I thought the trend of cursed reboots, remakes and adaptations was beginning to finally pass, until I saw the trailer for the new ‘Masters of The Universe.’
Who are they making these movies for? Us? I don’t think so.
Every time a new remake is thrust in our faces, most of the real fans or long-time otakus rarely want anything to do with it and according to Netflix, they now have to shoot movies so that kids can easily follow the plot while doomscrolling on their phones.
So, who are these movies for? If no one pays that much attention, just write your own damn IP, right!?
I wanted to blame capitalism, laziness and industry, but I think what may be happening, at least in some cases, is that out there in Hollywood, little fans have grown up into shark-like corporate executives, clinging onto the only human notion of fun they still retain and forcing it into a potential revenue accumulator.
Regardless –
Here are 10 iconic movies that under no circumstance should ever be remade but are probably being cooked up in some murky corner of the movie industry at this very moment.
Urban Legend
Slashers never get old, though I don’t know how true that is of this one. Scream is still around, I Know What You Did last summer just had a facelift, I think there is still room in the market for an old-fashioned, hook-on-the-door frat-party murder-mystery, but that’s why this memory should stay in the past. The premise, if you haven’t seen it, is your typical slasher movie in the classic flavours of popular urban legends,
‘Theres someone in the backseat!
‘The call is coming from inside the house!’
‘Coke and mentos make your stomach explode!’
Can you even imagine what the ‘urban legends’ in a reboot would be? I dread to think.
‘Don’t eat Tidepods’
‘Have you ever had a spooky chain email?’
Burn this legend, before someone tells it wrong, please.
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Of the many reasons I never want to sit through a fresh interpretation of this dusty, manic, fever-dream, casting ranks among the highest.
Who do we have floating around right now that could really do justice to the roles? I feel like it would become an odd, soft-edged, wide-shot, pastel version of something that once felt like you found it under a bridge.
The Burbs
An under-rated classic, with a plot that has aged like raw milk in a sauna. While the idea of seeing how they would interpret the suburban tension of 80’s America is tempting, I know it would inevitably be reduced to watching a shared house of young Silicon Valley stoners trifling with their Latino or Middle Eastern neighbours. There would likely be a lot of spy-gadget shenanigans, perhaps some kind of little cute CGI creature.
Seven
It will happen one day, you seen it here first. As I write this, and as you read it, someone’s grubby little fingertips are clacking away, hard at work, trying to find a reasonable way to condense all of that subtext into a quick, sour, bite-sized and easily digestible waffle. I would wager that at least one diabolically heinous film reel containing the pilot for an Amazon series is buried in the woods out there, somewhere.
The Sixth Sense
I think this fits snugly into ’The most over-rated movies of all’ time list, though I may have been influenced by the tirade of hot garbage that was to follow in its wake. I think someone has probably optioned the idea, maybe M. himself, I think he would love to taker another crack at it, that’s exactly why he (and his daughter) should be forbidden from ever trying to.
Taking Lives
Thing’s were different, back then. You could be the heroine, the star, the hot-shot FBI detective who’s going to crack the case, BUT, you can still be slapped in the face and told to shut up by your boss in plain view of your coworkers, at work, on a crime scene. Unhinged.
0/10 for feminist representation,
10/10 for edgy 90’s capers and a young Paul Dano.
The Usual Suspects
If you like cinema, or your eyes, or your brain, then you know there’s not much to be said in favour of ever digging this titan’s bones out of their grave. The cops will just ask ChatGPT what’s going on 20 minutes into the movie and then it will just become about disability laws and police brutality. Anyhow, Kevin Spacey is busy, he’s singing in Turkish lounges or something like that.
The Shawshank Redemption
The market is saturated in King, as good as it is, it’s all the place. The hungry eyes of lazy producers have probably been encircling Shawshank Prison for years, waiting for Jacob Elordi to grow up, or an Irish man with red hair to come along, so they can uncage this beast. I can’t imagine Andy Dufresne would have gotten on very well in a modern prison, though he would be able to watch Prison Break on Amazon Prime to help hatch his plan.
The Wraith
I’ll admit it. Part of me does actually want to see a remake of this, but I don’t want to see a futuristic, Tron-esque racer in a Cyber-Truck, and bullies in movies are rarely hardcore enough to straight up murder kids to death these days. Look at what they done to Robocop in the remake, my poor, poor, boy. Keep it parked.
The only exception I would make was if Charlie Sheen Himself agreed to return to reprise the role.
The Lost Boys
Again, sometimes I feel a little twinging beacon of hope or want for The Lost Boys, but then I have to crush it. The aesthetics no longer exist; they do not compute. What we would receive would probably be somewhere between Twilight, a Tarantino film, and Saturday night live. It would do too much, but also nothing, except just leave a mess.
I cower from trailers, in fear of what they are going to do to me next. What do you consider your most egregious remakes?
Life, and Other Stuff 
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