They’ve Cut The Hardline.

I feel like we have crossed into some kind of absolutely cursed timeline.

I’ve never been one of the ‘matrix men’, or a simulation theorist, but honestly, what the fuck is going on with our world? We need an update or something.

It’s like every time I’ve paid attention to the news, as awful as it is, in the last few months, I’ve been left feeling like I’m in an episode of South Park.

Here are some of my favourite ‘Are we still in real life?’ moments from this odd and unravelling year –

• The strange, drunken meathead that is in control of the USA’s disaster control and relief efforts has apparently unlocked the power of teleportation, he uses this power, to get to Waffle House, or an IHOP, I can’t recall. It doesn’t matter which, honestly.

• An AI powered robot was ‘arrested’ for harassing an old woman in China. 

• Pete Kegsbreath doing the Pulp Fiction speech, as if we wouldn’t notice.

• Trump telling the fucking Pope to ‘remember who he answers to.’

• Iranian Lego movies

• Krashpad Patel, Director of the FBI, Worst Hide and Seek Seeker in history, being so white-boy wasted that they needed a fucking breaching team to wake him up from his amphetamine-psychosis slumber, in what one can only assume was some kind of reinforced room.

• Pam Bondi, telling congress to shut their mouths, because the DOW is up 50 percent.

• Palm Beach Pete’s tattoo. (He’s pretending to be Epstein for clout, but did actually know him, so double fuck that guy.)

• Tiger Woods telling the audibly aghast police officer that’s here to arrest him for another drunk driving crash ‘I just got off the phone with The President.’

1. Sending JD Vance to peace talks, in order to stop the blockade, only for him to arrive and slap a giant UNO reverse card on the table, and blockade the blockade.

We are only four months in, and those are only the 10 ‘They’ve cut the hardline’ moments I can think of off-hand right now…

It’s going to be a very long year, with a much longer version of this list at the end.

Godspeed, and duck and cover.